Photo by arebella
I recently read an article on pastoral failures by Dale Wolery and Dale Ryan. One line stuck with me: “Silence is not the solution to gossip.” The authors were talking about the tendency in pastoral and congregational crises to try to prevent the manufacture of rumors by attempting to impose a rule of silence concerning the problem. In my experience such silences grows gossip like dark, wet wood grows mushrooms!
I am convinced from personal experience, church history, and Scripture that close, deliberate relationships with formative friends are essential to spiritual growth and health–there is simply no other way to become like Jesus! I am also a realist who understands that the fear of betrayal in vulnerable relationships is the number one enemy of openness and honesty. I have a stack of tales about friends who have been ambushed by “friends” use of privileged information to satisfy their own egos. Are we doomed to pain and embarrassment as the inevitable side effect of formative friendships?
Wolery and Ryan are particularly concerned about reconciliation and healing where congregations and pastors have been damaged by moral failure by members of the clergy. This healing can only begin when people have the chance to participate in “healthy communication.” Such communication is open, honest, and humble. They are consultants whose ministry involves professional guidance in crises, but the principle is much broader than that. Silence breeds moral fungus; healthy communication brings healing and redemption.
The answer to gossip is deceptively obvious and straightforward: talk! Healthy communication is mutual communication. That means that in formative friendships we mold those to whom we reveal our battles and struggles, and we are molded by the our friends’ openness about their lives. Their stories become part of us, our stories become part of them. We carry each others’ burdens and share their joys. Gossip is all about the “gossiper;” formative friendships are all about others.
Why are these formative friendship worth the risk? Only in this context do we experience the full flow of God’s grace into our lives. The care and compassion we give and receive are energized by the immediate presence of the Holy Spirit. The degree of openness and honesty we achieve are possible only because the Spirit is present. The healing and reconciliation we experience are the result of the Spirit drawing us closer to Himself. Start now talking with a trustworthy friend deliberately and regularly. You will wish you had started sooner, and the fear of gossip with diminish.
Note: I would love to talk with you about your experiences of formative friendships. If you respond to these posts, be sure to include something specific so that we will know that it is not spam!
Hi, Bill- This is an interesting subject as in my own personal experience, it has proven to be fruitful as well as fruitless.
I am now 50, female, single, Godly woman, with a warm smile and friendly demeanor. I am in this group that is called, “the majority of our congregation, yet there is no program organized for”. It is like living every day in no mans land. The job and life God has assigned me to, requires the patience of Job, the endurance of Joseph, and the faith of Abraham. What is the single most challenging aspect of this situation? Hands down…being alone 90 percent of the time, even at work.God has put me at my work place and is not moving me from it at this time. People, whether they are from church, work or just in a social setting, seem to be ‘set’ only to ‘receive’. If I have something to give to them it is great, but they are shut down otherwise, they have little or nothing to give, and are not’open’ to making any new friendships. I do not think this is even conscience decisions, but rather uncounscious. People do not seem to understand that, “we need each other”.
My strength and substinance must come from my relationship with Christ but my make up is not that of a super independant type, ‘that doesn’t need anybody’ either. I have a healthy need for human relationships and interaction.
According to your writing, relationships are crucial in a human beings spiritual growth and survival, yet there is a glaring break down in our society. I would like to encourage anyone that may read this, to pray for our nation, and the inner healing of all people, that they will be receptive to others, instead of remaining ‘shut down’. People need interaction with others.
There are those of us who happen to not have a spouse, who are mentally sound,intelligent, caring, accepting and loving. We are not ‘co-dependant’ just because we are ‘available’. We are not freaks, because we are single. It was not my preference to be single. Widows and widowers did not ‘choose’ for their spouses to die. We have a great personalities, a good sense of humor, talents to share and when people ‘let us in’ they discover, what a blessing we are, but it has been my observation that very few are willing to.
So tomorrow, by His Grace and in His power, I will rise again, do my best for Him…doing what pleases Him, what ministers and encourages others. I will walk in forgiveness and humbly ask others for theirs, and in all things rejoice, because HE is worth it all. <3